after a short break ..... like two and a half years!!!

After finally deciding to rejoin blog land, I've now sat in front of this silly screen for hours, well not really hours, minutes, figuring out what I should write.

How do you explain an absence of over two and a half years.  You can't really I suppose.  I guess I just lost my mojo one day and then all these things happened that changed our lives and I just couldn't get on with things.  The reality is we had a shit couple of years and its taken a lot of soul searching, a few stark reality checks, quite a few bottles of wine at times (that wasn't quite so bad), highs and lows to finally find my place.  

I have some amazing friends, you know the ones that are willing to be brutally honest and oh how we need that.  They're still amazing and still there.  But, for a long time I just had to be.  I had to look inside myself and care for me.  I ended up spending so much time trying to be the perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, that person that puts their hand up when no one else would, that I lost sight of so much.  Now I'm the perfect person to myself and that makes me more right to everyone around me.  

I learnt to let go.  Letting go of people that hurt you when you love them is hard.  I learnt how to consciously put them out of my mind.  It is probably one of the best things I've done for myself.  I never realised that it could be so freeing - is that a word? It is now!!  I am more accepting of how things are and there is a reason for it.  You might never know the reason, does it matter?

I feel better now :)

So, my beautiful family has grown so much.  So many changes.  DD1, I wrote a few times of my despair, she appeared to lose her way for a bit!  She's found her way back, has a lovely partner and they have purchased their first home.  She's so content and it shows.  I'm so excited for her.  DD2 has flown the coup as well, that made me sad.  Living it up with a couple of girlfriends in a townhouse and loving it.  She also has a lovely boyfriend who's a New Zealander.  DS3 is all grown, working as an apprentice and has got his first serious girlfriend.  He is absolutely smitten, so of course we rarely see him either.  He is such a generous, good person, I worry he is too good to people.  He has certainly dropped everything to rush off to his big sisters a few times.  That leaves my gorgeous DS4 who just melts my heart.  That little boy bring so much joy into our lives. He desperately misses his older siblings but with twelve years between him and the next one it was always going to be hard.  He changed schools which was an enormous decision for us to make, fortunately the best thing we ever did.  DH and I have weathered a few storms in the last twelve months, more like cyclones if the truth be told but we have come out the other side.  

We still live on our beautiful property, I still make and bake although even that went by the wayside for a bit.  I didn't even have the motivation to cook for a while.  I barely cared about the state of my house - I'm jokingly known for my OCD so I knew things were bad.  That's never happened.  

On a positive note, I did take pics of a lot of stuff thinking "I'll blog about that one day", so be warned, I may overcompensate for my absence!  

I feel so much better for having written.  I'm glad I'm back :)

AND ... my roses are coming alive as well.

more tomato for breakfast

I'm  certainly loving my tomatoes!!!

Another yummy breakfast.


So, what do you do when you don't know what to do??


KIDS - AARRGH!


Eldest has decided to go back to the boyfriend.  He has treated her badly, she says everything was her fault - after he told that to DH of course among many other things he said.  It was his conversation with DH that was it for us.  Our opposition to her decision but more so her behaviour and treatment of her family has not gone down well.  She's not heartbroken anymore, but I am.  She can't understand why we're not embracing the reconciliation like she is, after all the things he said and the way she was treated.  We were there for her, we cried for her, we loved her no matter what.  She is our daughter.  She is shunning her family.


Last night when I went to bed, the tears start falling and I couldn't stop them.  I thought of that beautiful little baby I so proudly brought home from hospital.  The little girl who was always laughing and off in some imaginative world.  The teenager starting high school who was bewildered by the bitching and how nasty other girls could be - 'why can't everyone be friends mum'.  To the seventeen year old who said 'you did a good job raising us mum', when she left school.  To the lovely young lady she was becoming who was so kind and sweet, this is not who she is anymore.  


I look at her, I can't find my girl.  She is lost in some place and I'm scared she'll never find her way out.


In some way I feel I have failed her.  I've been a good mum.  Not perfect, I made lots of mistakes.  There were a lot of times I couldn't find that damn manual on parenting - that's right, there's not one, it was trial and error and a whole lot of gut feeling.  Gut feeling is often good - why does it feel so bad now?


Of course we will always be here for her.  She's our daughter ..... but I can't find my girl.


What do you do, when you don't know what to do??


I hope you all have a great week :)

awol and far too busy

I'm not quite sure what I've been doing with myself over the last couple of weeks, it seems to have gotten away from me rather rapidly....that and I decided not to turn my computer on for a week....


Lets see .....  


DS16 is home from Germany, now its feels like he never left, 

DS4 and I made special cookies that he got for Christmas,

They never turn out quite like the picture do they .... we had fun though!

We found some fig trees on the side of the road, had a 'picking session' and made jam,

Do you see that red splash right in the middle of the photo .... that's DH climbing the tree!

Went crabbing in the Swan River in Perth,

DD19 had her last procedure (hopefully) and has been pain free - the first time in months,

Did some more fishing and camping on the beach,

This time with good friends,

Hubby quit his job, took a pay cut and went back to his old company .... in his words ' family comes first and working 60 - 70 hours a week is detrimental to our family life', 

At last I got some tomatoes,

Today we finally get a break in the heatwave, 

Why does it take nothing to feel exhausted these days??

my two 'evils'

and here they are .... so pleased with how it all turned out!

hope you all have a great weekend :)

costumes and chaos

Whooooo ..... they're finished.  I'm so tired!  Finally got to bed at midnight last night, determined to finish the 'evil clowns'.  


It took three days, not bad if I do say so myself.  That was not just three days of solid sewing.  In between all that, DD19 went for her hair appointment, I played netball - and my oh my am I feeling it today - and my beautiful DD21 moved back home.  We had her packed and moved in one day.  She is struggling with the change in her life.  I feel sad for her, she is lost, heartbroken and unable to see that she will be ok.


I'm glad she's home.


I was going to wait until the kids were all dressed up, faces painted and all before I posted any pictures, but I'm so excited at how they turned out I couldn't wait.  I'll still put up a pic of them before they leave.


In the midst of it all.  Dinner was eaten in the lounge in front of the television for these nights.

On the lounge last night following finishing touches.

And because my photography sucks, my camera is old and sucks, and I'm never able to get those beautiful pics that other bloggers do, I threw them out on the lawn for some 'natural light'.

Today is a day of rest for me .... well, after I find those darn face paints and get the washing done and ... well never mind, maybe I can have a rest tomorrow!


Have a great day :)

dusting off the sewing machine

When I finally get my stairs up, I won't have to ...... clear the kitchen table, bring out the sewing machine, baskets, material, extension cords and then ... CLEAR IT ALL AWAY AGAIN!


What a pain in the ... well anyway, DS4 is having a sleepover at Nanny's house and going to the movies.  Me? well I thought about all the things I could do.  Then DD19 and her boyfriend reminded me that I said I'd make them some costumes for a fancy dress party.  They came home from holidays on Sunday and dragged me to the shops yesterday to get everything.  The party is on Friday night so I haven't got much time to spare.  Guess I'm sewing 'scary clown' costumes for this week!  That's in between a play date for DS4 and taking DD19 to get her hair done - she still doesn't have her licence back - plus all the usual jobs that need doing. I'm also starting back at netball tomorrow night after a six month break to rest an injury, so I could be quite incapacitated for the rest of the week.


I actually really love sewing and used to do a lot more, these days the time just gets away from me.


We're going for a cross between the pattern and the picture!

Better get cracking!!


Have a great day :)

weekend gardening

Best laid plans and all that ... we didn't get to the stairs making this weekend.


Saturday we had to get the trailer emptied to get some mulch for DH mum.  It had a couple of small square water tanks we picked up for some friends in it, so we delivered them and came back with these.

We revitalised one last year and have been on the lookout for some oldies ever since.

I did a bit of tidying up in the vege patch, staked my tomatoes etc.

I'm hanging out for my tomatoes to ripen.

Zucchini, cucumber and beans down the end, DH hanging out for his corn - I see vege patch, he sees corn!

I baked some beetroot the other night - what a hit - DS4 ate nearly the whole lot!

Good friends dropped in in the afternoon, MIL for dinner, so that was the end of Saturday!!


Sunday when DH went off to do the mulching for his mum, I started repotting and dividing plants.


This little loquat tree I posted about here is now three plants.  I divided and repotted it and gave one to my neighbour along with a pot of raspberry shootings.

Out of two raspberry plants I ended up with around twelve or more little shoots, I hope they take.

By the time we did all that, mulched all the fruit trees, another day was over.


Stairs next weekend!

coffee, scones and a playground

This morning I had to be organised.  DH car had to be taken to the dealer for some 'recall' work, so I was to pick him up.  There were a few things we needed to get done whilst we were out, which included a trip to Fremantle or 'Freo' as locals call it.


Freo is a vibrant multi-cultural port city south of Perth.  It boasts a 19th century port street scape with world famous heritage buildings and a fascinating maritime and convict history.  Along with old dockworkers' cottages, warehouses converted into trendy apartments, there is a strong creative streak.  The cappuccino strip is as famous  as the Fremantle Markets and you can't beat fish n chips fresh off the boat at Fishing Boat Harbour!

Cappuccino Strip

Dockside eating at the Fishing Boat Harbour

I love Freo, so we just had to stop awhile to chill out for coffee, scones and jam for me and a meat pie from the Fremantle Bakehouse for DH.  


What a nice start to the day, we certainly don't get to do this too often.


We went our separate ways for a few hours, I dropped DH off to get his car and he went to work for a while, DS4 and I went home, let the chook children out - he calls them bok boks cos that's the sound they make - and did a few other necessary jobs.


When DH arrived home we decided to go to the park at our nearest town.  Sometimes its nice to do things that you don't usually do, it was really lovely .... and we all  had fun.

We were the only ones there surrounded by these beautiful gum trees.

Hope you had a great day :)


PS  I've rushed through this post cos I'm sooo tired and just want my bed!